Gone Girl

Sometimes I think it was easier when he didn't notice me.
Noa was affectionate-ish
He would cuddle and hug...only when he wanted to.
He'd sometimes go rigid if someone touched him but was happy to allow us to carry him around.
I didn't realize it initially but he didn't really notice when I wasn't around.
I'd hear my friends talk about their babies having separation anxiety.
The guilt they would feel when they left a screaming baby at the door.
I would leave and Noa would barely notice.
He'd see me leave but it was like he realized that it was a temporary separation. That I would be back. There was no reason to get upset.
And so I'd say goodbye before going to do a shift at work and Noa would glance up from his play and that would be it.
No tears.
No running for me at the door.
No sneaking out.
I just left.

I didn't realize it would be an issue until the first time I actually "left"
I decided to go to a medical conference in San Francisco while we were living in New Zealand.
Part of me was excited, this would be my first chance at "mommy time" since I had Noa.
The other half of me was guilty. I was guilty about leaving my baby, going overseas and being so far away.
The day I left, I was a ball of nerves. I cried when saying goodbye to my husband and begged our nanny to love Noa while I was gone.
I cried on the plane, I was so worried about how Noa would do with me not there.
My first day way, I called home to check in. I just KNEW that Noa would be stressed without me.
"He's fine". My husband was looking less than amused by my 0300am phone call.
"What do you mean 'he's fine?'
"Babe, he's fine. Just that."
"Has he asked about me? Did he cry this evening about not seeing me?"
"Nope. Call back tomorrow, I'll let you skype him"

Each day I called, and each day I got the same message.
He was fine.
He wasn't missing me.
Life went on.

Finally on day 7 I had enough of my "Mommy Medical time". I wanted to come home. I called my travel agent and asked him to get me on the first thing smoking back to New Zealand and my family.
The best he was able to do was to get me a flight out in 48 hours.
I packed my stuff and waited for the 48 hours to go by.

I was thrilled to land back "home" in New Zealand.
My husband picked me up and I couldn't wait to see Noa.
When I got home, he was in his usual position, on the floor, putting letters and numbers in order.
"Hi Noa"
He looked up at me. Blinked. Stared. Then he screamed. He wailed and cried and sobbed.
I grabbed him and held him, cuddled him and kissed him, my shirt soaking wet now with his tears.
He sobbed for what seemed to be forever.
I took him in his room and held and rocked him for ages.
He finally stopped, then he looked at me and climbed out of my lap and toddled off back to the living room to play.
It was like the meltdown never happened.

I was confused. I had no idea what just happened.

And it happened again, this time I had gone for 2 days when my sister came to visit. When I came home, Noa reacted the same way. Sobbing, screaming, inconsolable for almost an hour.
And again, just like that, the transgression of leaving him was forgotten.

Going to work was fine. Being on call for 24 hours was a non issue.
There was no crying. No notice of my leaving.
It was that way for years.

And then we moved to Australia.
Noa started his Early Intervention program and speech therapy.
His world opened and we started understanding.
There were new words now, toddler negotiations and "normal" meltdowns.
He started to notice.

"Mommy go to work?"
Little brown eyes were watching me intently as I got ready and packed my overnight bag.
"Yes, Mommy has to go to work. But I will be back"
"Mommy be with you tonight?"
This is when it started to hurt. Most nights I'd be home but sometimes, I wouldn't come home. It could be days before I'd see him again.
"No, Mommy won't be here with you tonight. But I will see you tomorrow. Mommy has to go help the babies"
His brown eyes started welling up with tears. Baby voice cracking.
"Mommy stay here with Noa? Don't help the babies." His tears were falling now. My heart is now breaking into a million, trillion pieces.

And this is the moment where I realize I hate everything. I hate my job, I hate myself for leaving him. I hate that I have to do silly things like pay bills and  a mortgage.

I blink rapidly to prevent my own tears from spilling.

"Mommy will be back. SOON. I promise. When Mommy comes home I will play with you."
He considers this for a moment, still looking forlorn but the tears have stopped.

"Mommy go to help the babies then come home?"
"Yes, Mommy will be back to play with Noa SOON".
The acceptance of the inevitable sinks in a bit.
I gather my bags and we all walk to the car.
He holds his Daddy's hand and I give them both a kiss, reassuring him that I will be back soon.
I see him look up at his father and say "Mommy is gone?" I don't hear his father's reply and I'm glad I don't have to. I don't want to cry in front of him.
I wave and drive off.
I'm ruining my makeup with pent up tears coming down my face but I'm also so happy...
He noticed I'm gone.

It's so good to be noticed. 😊