Where is There?

My last job was a great job. For some of us in medicine, finding a GREAT job can be a hard feat. I thought I had it all....great colleagues, great hospital, great house, perfect small town life.
We made the tough decision to give it all up after Noa got his diagnosis.
Everyone was truly understanding. It was hard, to give up all of my comforts to make sure that Noa would have access to all of the therapy and special programs that he would need. But you know as a parent  you sometimes have to make tough choices to make sure that your child gets everything that they need. I find myself lucky that I even had that choice.

So we sold our beautiful house and I left my great job and we moved thousands of miles away to another foreign country. From a small town to the big city. Initially I told myself it was just temporary. That Noa would "get better" and we'd be able to go back to my small town job where I was comfortable and happy.

Years have now gone by. I have seen the amazing amount of progress Noa has made with speech and behavioral therapy. We have accomplished things that we didn't think would be possible. And now I am at the end of my self imposed two year deadline to return to the life we left.

I came back to cover a couple of shifts at my old hospital. Its been great seeing all of the familiar faces and smiles. So good to hear everyone expressing desires for me to come back. I found myself having the same conversations with different people:

"When are you coming back?? Are you guys coming back??"
"I'd love to!  I do miss you guys but Noa isn't quite 'There' yet. He needs more time and services."

After having the similar conversation over and over again I found myself thinking, 'Where is There'?
Where exactly am I trying to get my son to? I realized that I continue to hold on to this imaginary goal, expecting that one day things would suddenly "go normal" and we could go back to a "normal" life.
Once again, I was trying to insert Noa into this pretend "normal" box. I was ignoring his gifts, his quirks and the way he processes the world in his way.
Sometimes as a parent with a child who is different you subconsciously wish and yearn for the normal, to want to go back to simpler times when he was a baby. Before the odd behaviors and tantrums and therapists, meetings and special schools. Its not being a bad parent, its being a normal human being. To want the so called "regular life". And that is OK. I forgive myself for remembering good times with my old job, old friends and my old life.
Its OK to hold onto good memories from the past.

I won't keep trying to seek this perfect goal for my son any longer. I will do my best to accept the imperfectly perfect beautiful boy I have been graced with.

So when the next friend asks me when we are coming back, I won't say 'Noa isn't There yet'
I'll say that 'Noa is amazing, he has come so far and he is doing so well'.

I know that his father and I will continue to make sure that he has the tools to flourish and grow into the perfect little person that he was meant to be.

I will remember that our standard of normal is meant to be challenged and changed.

I will finish my work here at my old hospital in a couple of days, and when I do it will be time to go. This chapter of our lives has been finished and I will always look back on it fondly. I have no idea where we will end up in the future of even if we will ever return here but I know that where ever we land, Noa will be fine...and that my new life is the 'new normal'...for us.