Loud and Clear

I give another nod of acknowledgement. I heard you.

You have been saying the same sentences over and over and over again for the last several hours.

Sometimes I respond each time but other times, like now, I'm tired.  I feel like a bad parent. Instead of trying to engage I just unplug. I zone out, thinking about the grocery list or what I have to do at work tomorrow. Its a way of protecting myself from going mad hearing the same things 10, 20 or 100 times.

Many children on the spectrum have echolalia--a repetitive speech/sound "tic" of sorts. Its a type of "stimming" behaviour. Some kids flap, some rock, others spin and some repeat sounds or words over and over again. Sometimes you do it when you are anxious or to calm yourself. Other times you do it just to fill the space of quiet.

I remember there was a time a couple of years ago we weren't sure if you would even speak. The thought of not hearing the word "Mommy" or you to respond to us was unbearable. Thankfully, through years of work and speech therapy you are speaking. And this is why I feel bad...because I sometimes remember and relish those days when I could spend a day without hearing the constant repetition of a nonsensical sentence.

Your language has come leaps and bounds over the past two years, however, you still don't have conversational language...the ability to do a back and forth banter with someone else. You give short, one word responses. Usually "Yes" or "No".
Sometimes you will make a complete sentence and that is so exciting for us.
"I had a good day at school" was the best thing I've heard in a long time.

Unfortunately, those statements are few and far between and more often we hear the constant repetition of randomness:  "There are no seals in the pool. Lobsters won't hurt you. Frogs live in water."

I'm encouraged because you've come so far. You want to tell us so much but right now its hard for you to express everything you want to say. It gets frustrating, I know. You want to talk to kids but when you see them all you can tell them is "Christmas animals won't hurt you".  Invariably they don't understand and you will have to try again. We work on it, we teach you that its ok to stop and think about what you want to say. That sometimes it will take a long time for you to say things and that's ok. We will be patient. We will wait. Just like we waited three years to hear you say "Mommy" or "Daddy" we will wait to hear you expound on your day at school or to watch you chat with a friend. It is coming, I know it is.

So in the meantime, I will be patient. I will listen to the same statements that you say, over and over and over again. Sometimes I will respond and interact and sometimes I will just nod. I have learned to "hear between the lines". I know that sometimes your echolalia is because you are anxious and I will try to help you through that. I have learned that sometimes your repetition is from excitement and joy and I will show you how to enjoy the moment without screaming those sentences aloud.
I will hopefully show you that sometimes, nothing needs to be said at all. Most importantly, I hope that you can learn that sharing your thoughts with others can help you exchange ideas and most importantly, gain friendship and love. All this will come in due time. I know it will. Its our job to help you figure out the ways of our world while you teach us the rules of yours.

And every night when I tuck you in to bed, I always say "I love you Noa". Sometimes you will look at me and sometimes you won't but you always respond. You always say "Yes" and to me, that means "I love you too, Mommy"
I heard that Noa. I heard that loud and clear.