Controlled Chaos

Controlled Chaos

That sums up the perfect mess that my life has become.
I'm a doctor, a wife and a mommy to an amazing 5 year old boy who has changed me in ways I will never fully appreciate.
He has made my life harder but has given me so much more in return.
My little one is autistic

Being a mom they tell you about those "gut" feelings about your kids.
I first got that "gut" feeling when Noa was almost 2. Something seemed a bit off. It was the way he super fixated on certain things, his ease for memorizing shapes and numbers. Something about it seemed different.

The confirmation of that fact hit me like 1,000 bricks.
There is nothing that can prepare you for hearing that you child has a disability.
All of your dreams, hopes and aspirations are all plunged into uncertainty in an instant.
Will he go to college? Will he have friends? Will he be able to live independently? The first several months after his diagnosis were a haze. My husband and I were like two ghosts around the house, barely speaking as if words would disrupt the others deep thoughts and musings.

After the initial shock we went into to full Doctor mode. We purchased all the books, podcasts, Ted Talks and magazines you could find about raising a child on the spectrum. We immersed ourselves in reading and researching about diets, therapies and schools for Noa.
We looked up places for speech therapy, occupational therapy, behavioral therapy, and every type of therapy you can imagine.

After all the books, reading and time we realized that there will never be 1 place to find information about raising our unique son. He needed us to enter his world and to find a way to bridge him to ours. Instead of worrying about how to "fix" him we needed to figure out how to introduce him to the world. How to navigate it since talking was so difficult. How to interact with people who are "normal". We also learned that his autism is not really a disability but an ability.
Noa has taught me patience that goes beyond anything I have ever been able to master in my 40+ years on this earth. He is my Mr. Miyagi, My Obi Wan Kenobi, my Morpheus.
He has given me strength and turned me into a supermom even though I don't think I deserve the title.

My world has changed. It will never be the same with a child like Noa.
I have had to abandon the former Type A part of me and embrace the new, autism mommy me.
Most of my day are spent working and worrying but this kid has given me a renewed energy and reason to fight.

So I will continue to battle on with my little son shine. There will be wonderful things to celebrate and there will be many nights I sit and cry on his bed. I have a good group behind me, all committed to seeing Noa thrive and grow and that's all I need in my controlled chaos of a life right now.