No Pain, No Gain

"OMG, have you seen that show, 'The Good Doctor'? Its about a boy who is autistic that is a super genius doctor!!! Its so good!"

I smile and say I haven't caught the show yet but I'll make a point to watch it.

Truth is, I won't.

I know my friend is trying to be helpful. She's trying to show me that she has seen programs with actors portraying autistic characters and they are living "fine".
However, that makes me stress more.
I've seen and watched several shows that feature characters that are on the Spectrum:  The Big Bang Theory, Mr. Robot, The Accountant, Mile 22 and the Good Doctor all feature actors portraying a person on the Spectrum.
Some can be fun but others can just make me more anxious thinking about Noa's future.
Sure, its great to imagine him as a super smart doctor able to MacGyver a breathing tube out of a straw but I'm looking past the "job" and more into the person.
Most of the shows featuring people on the Spectrum just amplify my biggest concern for Noa....Will he have friends and meaningful relationships?
How will he connect if he can't quite understand basic emotions/desires and feelings?

Last year, in his intervention program, they spent months teaching him how to interpret facial expressions. As with all things, Noa fixated on these. He would walk around interpreting people's faces as we walked down the street. Hard to explain to the random woman why my son calls her "Angry Face". (Spoiler alert, his comment MADE her the Angry Face Lady even though she wasn't before.)
After a while, he was able to suppress the urge to call out interpretations of facial expressions but he still had issues with figuring out minor emotions. I know this will be a challenge for him when it comes to forming friendships and relationships.

I won't be here forever, facilitating things, hovering and helping him figure these things out. We fight every single day to give him the tools to try to figure this out on his own.

I truly hope that one day he will have friends that "get it' when Noa doesn't do a lot of back and forth banter and will not get too upset when he bluntly tells them when they look fat in stripes. (Thanks for that Noa, I threw those pants away.)

I wonder if its better this way? To not be "attached" to all of these complex and sometimes difficult emotions. The anxiety, the worry, the insecurities and stresses? Will I get this job? Did they like me? Will I fit in? Will he/she say yes? What if it is better, to be free of all of that? I know that he is capable of feeling happiness and joy because he loves certain activities. They make him smile and laugh. But personal interactions are very flat and one dimensional.
Is it bad that he doesn't seem to feel "bad"?
What if this can spare him from heartbreak when a girl rejects his Valentine's card?
Or if he doesn't make the school soccer team? Or if a group of friends don't invite him out?
It makes me feel a bit better that instead of questioning his worth or being down that it will not even register.
He takes it as face value. People come and they go. People get sick, they die. People say no and will reject you. And you move on.
There is no reason to mourn, to cry or to "freak out".
Life will go on.

On the flip side of all of this I wonder how missing out on those complex emotions will stunt his emotional growth? Will he forever be childlike because he doesn't form friendships or relationships? I don't want him to be alone, I desperately want him to find an enduring and beautiful love like I did with his father. I have seen it happen with adults on the spectrum but I'm not sure what qualities are there to make the spark happen but I know its there.

There is a lot to learn from Noa and his interpretation of the world. Maybe I need to let go more, to stop stressing so much about "people" things. Stop worrying about what people think, or how they receive me. Just focus on being me and a good person. Maybe Noa has found the true path and we are just stumbling around trying to find the way.

Noa's amazing "ability" to deal was beautifully shown last month.
My beautiful mother was here visiting us for 6 months. During that time, she became a regular part of his life. Everyday, he would wake up and go spend time with her. She would read to him, play with him and interact with him. Eventually, the time came for her to go back home. As each day grew closer for her to leave, I became more and more stressed and depressed. We waffled back and forth with how we should "sneak" her out. We thought about me taking her alone, my husband taking her or us going as a family. We decided to go to the airport as a family to see her off. I honestly did not know how Noa would react to seeing her leave after 6 months. We were ready for a complete meltdown.
We sat with her as long as we could but then it was time to say goodbye. I was in tears, my husband was trying to remain stoic (he cried a little too :) and we hugged and said goodbye. Noa looked at her, gave her a kiss on the cheek and said "See you next time" , waved and then turned around to leave.
No stress, no tears, no pain. Just "bye".
I was confused and through my tears, laughed at the hilarity of it. Here we are, the three adults fretting over saying goodbye and Noa did it in 5 seconds and had moved on with his day.

I'm standing in the airport, watching my mom leave, wiping tears away and laughing at the same time.
Noa looks up at me and says, "Mommy is sad?"
"Yes, Noa. Mommy is sad because Gigi left"
He looked down and then said, "Gigi will come back"
I nodded. "Yes, Gigi will come back"
He took my hand and said, "Lets go to the Aquarium"
And just like that, the sadness dispersed a bit. I wasn't going to wallow. I needed to let go, process it and move on. Its not a mourning, it was a "see you later". Noa knew that. I had to figure it out on my own.
It was time to go. We all held hands and walked out of the airport. Tears had dried on my face. Noa was chattering about his favourite fish he would soon see. It was a beautiful sunny day. Noa was fine, I was fine and that was that.